GRE考试作文点评 思路清晰表达顺畅

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  My first complete sample.Any criticism will be appreciated!

  (The examples used here are utterly fabricated by myself cause of the paucity in knowledge of rituals, otherwise the article won't cater for the ETS criteria)








  207" Rituals and ceremonies help define a culture. Without them, societies or groups of people have a diminished sense of who they are."

  In a modern world full of pragmatism and expediency we are occasionally at a loss about the culture we are living in and ultimate aim we are striving for, perhaps our Zeitgeist is one " without spirit and idealism" , but if one day we foutunately watch some ceremonies and rituals in Television in the interlude of our hasty business life we are easy to be facinated by the full-bodied flavor of culture and spiritual impact, only then shall we realize the paramount function of rituals and ceremonies in the clarification of our culture and identification of ourselves especially in this modern society.

  The most adamant evidence to strengthen my point comes from the very existence of our Great History. Our culture is not an isolated one emerging at it's nascent time with the plush edifices and limousines, on the contrary, It's a culture with a long history ever since the Genesis. And our mind is, in some sense, dominated by the "collective unconciousness" derived from the long history and culture of our progenitors, though we as modern persons may seem to know nothing about the true story ever happening in the long river of history. But what help our ancestors preserve the culture for their ungrateful progeny? The key answer may lie in the ceremonies and rituals throught which generations of cultures and mores have passed and been established. It is most apparent in our festivals and holidays when we make prayers and blesses;acturallly we do not mean to do anything serious, but the very actions in the form of rituals and ceremonies would identif us as Americans, Chinese or African aboriginal. An American boy participates in the ceremonies in a christian church , while a Chinese girl may pray in a ritual in the memories of the Monkey King (a Popular God in China). All these indicate that ceremonies and rituals dreivied from history are the reminders of our culture.

  In addtition, ceremonies and rituals will always arouse an aesthetic sense besides its historical function. With the innermost beauty the ceremonies and rituals will furthermore strengthen the identification of ourselves, thus make ourselves melt into a permanant being with our culture, our life and even our ultimate goal of life. Through this function the cremonies and rituals will combine itself with the modern science and even post-modern art. Just take a look at one of the greatest rituals and ceremonies extant in China: Great Wall Ceremonies in Beijing which is in memory of the first Great Emperor Qin. In the ceremony, thousands of persons in the ancient garments stand on the top of the "Great Wall", which is not only a repitition of the brilliant Ancient China but appears as a beautiful scene that will never be presented in another form.From this we can reallize that the aesthetic sense of the rituals and ceremonies is another integrated component of our life without which we will perhaps lose an opportuinity to admire our distinct culture and thus may not identify who we are.

  Finally, a modern society and formation of an internaltional villiage further reveals the significance of proving us as a human and a member of the culture featured by both variety and unity. If we ask ourselves who we are ,we will first answer without any hesitation that we are human beings.But without culture we are at most called some kinds of anthropoids, in this sense the ceremonies and rituals indicate that we are the dwellers of this planet and we are living in a succession of generations with effort to fight for a comman welfare, and most important, we are creatures with spirit and dreams instead of sheer economic animals.Perhaps ceremonies and rituals are not so hermetical and occult as they appear, on the contrary, they will serve the realistic function in our secular world to heal our "modern ail". And through the varieties of rituals and cremonies under different cultures the human being would further understand that we can not only distingguish our own culture but also find that we stand as a whole to be human being, fostering a dream to make the earth a paradise. That's exactly what most ceremonies and rituls contribute to us in modern society.

  In conclusion, we should hereby cherish our extant ceremonies and rituals to serve our modern life in that they would very likely help answer the quetion frequently asked by every modern hunman being :" who am I and what am I living for".(739)

  BY smoke

  点评BY PAISLEY

  总的来说不错  。优点不提了 ,说几个缺点 。

  1、你的词用的很难  。但是我觉得这不是很符合GRE作文的思路  。它不要求我们用难词 ,我看过的范文(包括ETS的、美国人的、中国老师的)  ,都没有用你那么多的难词 。也许你刚考过G或者正在准备G吧  ?我感觉你的文章里用了那么多难词  ,不见得会给对方一个特别好的印象  。这种感觉就好象一篇白话文里夹杂了很多文言词汇  ,感觉有点做作  。GRE作文最要求的是思路的清晰和深刻性  ,以及表达的顺畅  。这点你做的不错  。但是词汇没必要用那样的 。尤其是GRE词汇我们不熟悉它们的用法  ,很有可能用错的  。比如The most adamant evidence这种说法我从来没见过  ,感觉很奇怪  。

  2、有少许的句子结构别扭的地方  。

  3、严重问题:你的标点太随便  。很多地方明明是两句话  ,你随便来个逗号连接 ,这在英语作文里是很不好的 。很多连接词前后的逗号句号的区分你都没在意  。

  4、举例的问题  。我个人觉得举中国的例不是特别好  ,因为第一老美不了解  ,第二很容易陷入Chienglish 。但是举外国的例呢  ,很多人名地名我又不知道确切的拼写 。所以我也为这个发愁  。

  5、长句的问题  。GRE作文与托福作文的不同之处在于它对长句的要求较高 ,或者更确切的说  ,它对长短句参差运用的要求较高  。而你的文章里长句太多  。读起来吃力 。

  6、我估计你没有掐时间写的吧  ?我建议以后还是掐一下时间  ,因为如何在很短时间内整理思路、想好理由然后有条不紊的动比写文章  ,是一个很高的要求  。你会发现在有时间限制的情况下写的作文和以前很不一样  。所以能尽早练习  。

  不管怎么说  ,在大多数人的作文还和托福作文比较相近的时候  ,你这篇作文足够使你脱颖而出了  。

  个人意见 ,仅供参考